Are You A Gleeker?
So, I'm in the dentist chair this afternoon, flat on my back, and the doc is doing some minor oral surgery. Drill, drill, drill, scrape, scrape, scrape, laser, laser, laser. Eventually, he takes a short break, leaving my mouth propped open. I try to swallow, and a huge geyser of saliva involuntarily sprays about three inches high above my face, falling back to soak everything from my eyebrows to my chin. The doc and his assistant are trying hard not to notice or comment, but it's obvious that a disturbing event has occurred. I've experienced this phenomenon before, but the squirts were always tiny, and they dropped back into my mouth immediately.
So after the doc takes out the rubber chew toy that's been propping my mouth open, I decide to broach the subject delicately: "What the hell just happened? Am I the only one who does this? I nearly drowned!"
They both laugh and say that it's called "gleeking," and a lot of patients do it. The assistant says she sometimes does it involuntarily, while talking to people. Gleeker Extraordinaire. She also claims to have friends who do it at parties, to entertain the crowd. Gleeker Showoffs. She's a veritable fount of knowledge. So to speak.
Evidently, gleeking occurs spontaneously when saliva that has accumulated in the submandibular gland is propelled out in a stream after the gland is compressed accidentally by the tongue.
Wikipedia says 35% of people can gleek, but fewer than 1% of the population can gleek on command. Do you gleek?
I AM NOT PART OF THE CROWDSOURCE, I AM A FREE MAN!
Let's start the tax season with an old joke.
Grandpa receives a notice that he's going to be audited, and he's summoned into the IRS office. The auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," replies Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor has lost twice and he's cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been called in for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"