A Festivus for the rest of us.
Seinfeld - The Strike, written by Alec Burg, Jeff Schaffer, and Dan O'Keefe:
GEORGE (lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)
GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, who tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it.
JERRY: When George was growing up...
GEORGE (interrupting): Jerry, no!
JERRY: ...his father...
JERRY: ...hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
ELAINE: Ohhhh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
GEORGE (pleading): Alright...
JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? (Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably, and continues to do so)
GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!
JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? (Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)
GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?!
More ~ Wikipedia
Did I miss something? Is it open season on humans?
Police kill man accused of shooting officer, 2 employees at Alabama hospital
Police: 20 children among 26 victims of Connecticut school shooting
3 dead in Oregon mall shooting
All I want for Christmas is for the shootings to stop.
Christmas tree angel.
Once upon a time, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves weren't producing toys as fast, so Santa began to feel the pressure of getting behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and ran off to heaven knows where. More stress. Then he loaded the sleigh and one of the boards cracked, scattering toys everywhere. Santa was frustrated, so he went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. That's when he discovered the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. Then the cider pot slipped out of his hand, and broke into hundreds of pieces. When he tried to sweep up the shards, he found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. The doorbell rang, and Santa irritably trudged to the door. A little angel was standing outside with a huge Christmas tree. The cheerful angel said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
See also: White Christmas: Berlin/McPhatter/Held and Rudolph's Revenge and Inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids and Holiday Rum Cake and Alice's Restaurant.
Holiday Rum Cake.
OK, it's time to haul out the Holiday Rum Cake recipe again...
You'll need the following:
1 or 2 qts rum
1 cup butter
1 tsp sugar
4 large brown eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 pint lemon juice
1 cup nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality, so try another cup. Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge legg, 2 cups of fried druits and beat till high. If the druits get stuck in the beaterers, just pry 'em loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again for tonsticity. Next, sift 3 cups of salt and feffer (it really doesn't matter). Sample the rum again. Sift 1 pint of lemon goose. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greedees. Now, pour the whole mess into the boven and ake. Check the rum again and go to bed.