Sticker shock.
I just got the itemized bill for my little 2-hour outpatient procedure:
Pharmacy - $1,152.75
IV Solutions - $400.00
Med-Surg Supplies - $82.00
Sterile Supply - $5,007.00
Supply/Implants - $3,448.00
OR Services - $13,709.85
Anesthesia - $3,873.45
Recovery Room - $1,969.20
TOTAL CHARGES - $29,642.25
Man, you could buy a really hot car for that kind o' dough. Keerist. I was starting to feel sick... but then realized I couldn't afford it.
To "The World's Greatest Mom" cup owners:
Simply having reproduced is nothing to be especially proud of. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to get knocked up. In fact, millions of gals do it without having the slightest thought in their pretty little heads. But around this time of year, many mothers would like us to believe they've performed enormous selfless services to the species and the planet.
Do you remember asking to be brought into this overpopulated, globally-warmed, hate-filled, war-torn, disease-infested hellhole? Neither do I.
Dammit Mom, why didn't you keep your legs crossed?
Most women don't even consider what the potential kid might want. They get pregnant mainly because they want a real live kewpie doll they can play with. They need a small helpless being to give them the unconditional love they've heard so much about, the kind of love they can't get from their men. They need to see a pair of adoring, unjudgmental eyes staring back at them. For a few years, anyway.
But when the helpless doll matures and inevitably realizes how fucked up his mommy made him, the mom is outraged. She says, "But I gave life to you."
Bullshit, Mom. You selfishly decided your life was incomplete without a rugrat. And now you want... GRATITUDE?!
Oh, okay. Happy Mother's Day. Don't choke on the chocolate WMDs.
Top 5 righty activities.
With the recent rotator cuff surgery, my right arm is trussed up in a super-sling and I'm limited to using my non-dominant left hand. Working the keyboard is more of a challenge these days, especially when I try to do linx and pix. And I was never even slightly ambidextrous, so the times when I really miss being a righty are during the mundane stuff:
5) Flipping my turtle-on-its-back carcass out of bed (grab the nightstand and pull like a sonofabitch, while simultaneously flailing both legs sideways in a spawning-salmon motion).
4) Trimming these tougher-than-titanium toenails.
3) Shampooing my hair (lather, rinse, f*ck the repeat).
2) Wiping my stinky ol' butt.
1) Spanking the monkey (I now carry a wallet-sized photo of my right hand).
THE GOOD NEWS: according to my recent Percocet usage figures, the pain becomes &*%#^@! unbearable only 3 times a day. A week ago, it was 6. I'm a happy camper.
Popping Percocet per physician's prescription.
One week ago, I had the shoulder surgery. A lot of my friends, relatives and neighbors helpfully related their first- or second-hand experiences with arthroscopic procedures, and they kept telling me the recovery times were short. Miraculously short.
But when I visited the doctor last Friday, to have my stitches removed, he said the arm should remain immobilized for up to six weeks. Damn, I have to wear the Slingshot 2 for a month and a half, just for these three tiny pinholes? I knew the damage was serious, but I expected to be throwing pine cones again, after a week or two.
So... this one-handed typing is getting old. Being unable to drive a car is getting old. Gobbling narcotics to dull the pain is getting old.
And I'm not getting any younger, myself.
Ooga Booga Yip Yip 2.
Donovan and Adam Montierth are the twin brothers who won twin Emmy® statuettes a few months ago for their Reveille short:
They recently created a website to--among other things--acquire the six screenplays for their latest project, a feature-length anthology film entitled Locker 13.
We wrote a script to their specifications, but it's up against 158 other submissions from 28 different states and 6 foreign countries, so we don't expect much. The six scripts chosen for the film will be announced by May 15.
Surgery went well. Three pix from today's outpatient adventure:
1) Stretched out like a flapjack in the pre-op area. If you look closely, you can probably see that I should have used the nose-hair trimmer last night. Anikó's black jacket is over my shoulders, partly because she thought the A/C was too chilly for me, but mainly because she just likes to play "Mamci" every now and then.
2) Eight photos from the tiny arthroscopic camera they wiggled around inside my RIGHT shoulder (that LEFT shoulder caption is just a typo, thank gawd). I have no idea what any of these images represent, but I've been getting flashbacks from the last time I leaned over the butcher-shop counter to look at the leftover scraps and chunks of entrails on the floor.
3) Then there was a two-hour gap in my memory. Afterwards, the nurses couldn't get my giant Hawaiian shirt to fit over my new sling. BTW, this sucker seems to be the Porsche of slings: the logo says "Slingshot 2." It contains an embedded pillow to hold my arm at the proper angle for healing, plus a cute little attached squeeze-ball to keep my blood circulation from slowing down to the pace of dried mud. Notice that enormous beached-whale belly. When I arrived at 5:55am, the receptionist gave me a wheelchair and offered to rush me into the Maternity ward.
Surgery! Yaay!!
I finally got on the surgery schedule: Tuesday morning, 6am. After two months of agony and not being able to sleep, this is better than friggin' Christmas.
Hillary=Energizer Bunny.
That was an encouraging win for Hillary Clinton in the Pennsylvania primary.
We're finding out that one thing's for sure: Hillary is no Gore. Despite the public outcry for her to quit, she keeps on truckin'. That persistence alone would convince me to support her.
And judging from these two pix (warning - faux nudity), she needs all the support she can get: 1, 2.
Ghost Bras 4 Hillary!
During our weekend trip, Anikó and I visited Jerome Arizona, the "Largest Ghost Town in America." One of the ghosts is proudly showing its patriotic support for Hillary Clinton by hanging up six red, white and blue brassieres:
UPDATE - mirror blogs: newspaper + tv (featured)
Sedona Vortex Map.
We just got back from a trip to Sedona Arizona, the New Age capital of the galaxy. Here's a vortex map, should you ever find yourself in need of one...
My Dad Is My Hero.
This was a good week for literary efforts. I was just notified that one of my stories is a finalist for publication in the My Dad Is My Hero anthology.
From what the editor tells me, she submits 53 stories to the publisher, and 50 get selected, so that means the story has a 94.3396226415% chance of earning $100. If it gets published, it then has a 2% or 2.04% or 2.08% chance of winning an extra $100 or $75 or $50.
I love calculating percentages.
Popes in the pizza.
Pope Benedict XVI begins the latest historic Papal visit on US territory (AP, 2008).
Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) performs his first historic "Popes in the pizza" sketch (Saturday Night Live, 1979):
It's amazing to me all the interest in the Pope the last couple weeks. I think it's because of John Paul's visit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason, people are buyin' these posters that show all of the Popes and people want to know what their names are, what their real names are, when they was livin', when they died, all that stuff. And, going along with this Papal mania, I've kind of designed a contest about the Popes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up of the surface of a pizza] It's called "Find the Popes in the Pizza" ... All two hundred and fifty-four Popes, they're in here. ... And, what we're gonna do in about one minute, we're gonna put a close-up of this on your screen and, you at home, all you have to do is get some, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can see through, and paste it to your screen -- or tape it, whatever you want -- and all you gotta do is get a pencil and draw a circle around every place you see a picture of a Pope. [...]
Next, there were a record 3,834,925 winners in this week's Caption Contest (photo of Pope Benedict XVI arriving on "Shepherd One," the papal airplane):
The winning caption was, of course, "B-b-b-bennie and the jet."
And finally, this week's Pointy Hat Contest ended in a 3-way tie:
Action writers.
From the "Action" DVD featurette, "Getting Into The Action":Don Reo [Executive Producer]: A good writers' room ruins you for the rest of the world, because you're surrounded by extraordinarily bright, funny people. And you start to take that for granted; you start to think the rest of the world is like that. And then you go out to talk with one of your relatives, and [chuckles] you have nothing to say. The references are not the same; the speed, the humor is so different.
Jay Mohr [Actor who played the heterosexual "Peter Dragon," an amoral movie producer who solved a crisis with his closeted homosexual action star by telling the star that he--Peter--was also gay]: In the original Episode 3 [entitled "Blowhard"] with "Cole Riccardi" [played by Richard Burgi], I was supposed to get blown twice. In the original [script], which made me fall down laughing when I read it, he says, "Encore, mi amore?" And I say, "I swear to God this is the last time."
Chris Thompson [Creator and Executive Producer, who tried to get HBO to bid more for the show by offering it to Fox, which promptly bought it]: It is just another television show. At the end of the day, that is it. It's a half-hour sitcom. We are whores. I sold the show out for extra money. And everyone who wrote on it... if we really gave a shit about what we wrote, we'd go home and write poetry. We do it because we're paid a great deal of money, and because often there are blowjobs available.
Ooga Booga Yip Yip.
Anikó and I just wrote a 10-page satirical spec script for the upcoming Locker 13 anthology film project. Hope they like it...Log line: Cavemen are from Mars, cavewomen are from Venus, monoliths are from Jupiter and lockers are from Earth. Mostly, anyway.
Synopsis: Cave couple shacks up together and discovers the one true key to relationship harmony.
Genre: Comedy short.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. Cartoon by Peter Steiner in The New Yorker, July 5, 1993:
Atomic Dog.
Song written by: Gary Shider/David Spradley/George ClintonPerformed by: George Clinton on Greatest Funkin' Hits [explicit lyrics]
Refrain (deep bass): "Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay, bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yay!"
***
Vet joke
Two dogs are in the veterinarian's waiting room. The German Shepherd whines: "Oh, why did my mistress leave the bathroom door open during her shower? And why did I hump her when she leaned over to wipe up some water? And why is she having me neutered?"
The Great Dane says: "Hm. I humped my mistress in the bathroom, too."
The German Shepherd asks: "So she's having you neutered?"
The Great Dane replies: "No, she's getting my toenails trimmed."
Good luck, Ma.
My mother, Beverly G. Baird, is undergoing major surgery in Florida today. Please keep a good thought for her...
Charlton Heston (4 October 1924 - 5 April 2008).
Statement from Charlton Heston (9 August 2002):My Dear Friends, Colleagues and Fans:
My physicians have recently told me I may have a neurological disorder whose symptoms are consistent with Alzheimer's disease. So... I wanted to prepare a few words for you now, because when the time comes, I may not be able to.
I've lived my whole life on the stage and screen before you. I've found purpose and meaning in your response. For an actor there's no greater loss than the loss of his audience. I can part the Red Sea, but I can't part with you, which is why I won't exclude you from this stage in my life.
For now, I'm not changing anything. I'll insist on work when I can; the doctors will insist on rest when I must. If you see a little less spring in my step, if your name fails to leap to my lips, you'll know why. And if I tell you a funny story for the second time, please laugh anyway.I'm neither giving up nor giving in. I believe I'm still the fighter that Dr. King and JFK and Ronald Reagan knew, but it's a fight I must someday call a draw. I must reconcile courage and surrender in equal measure. Please feel no sympathy for me. I don't. I just may be a little less accessible to you, despite my wishes.
I also want you to know that I'm grateful beyond measure. My life has been blessed with good fortune. I'm grateful that I was born in America, that cradle of freedom and opportunity, where a kid from the Michigan Northwoods can work hard and make something of his life. I'm grateful for the gift of the greatest words ever written, that let me share with you the infinite scope of the human experience. As an actor, I'm thankful that I've lived not one life, but many.
Above all, I'm proud of my family ... my wife Lydia, the queen of my heart, my children, Fraser and Holly, and my beloved grandchildren, Jack, Ridley and Charlie. They're my biggest fans, my toughest critics and my proudest achievement. Through them, I can touch immortality.Finally, I'm confident about the future of America. I believe in you. I know that the future of our country, our culture and our children is in good hands. I know you will continue to meet adversity with strength and resilience, as our ancestors did, and come through with flying colors -- the ones on Old Glory.
William Shakespeare, at the end of his career, wrote his farewell through the words of Prospero, in "The Tempest." It ends like this:
Be cheerful, sir.
Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits and
Are melted into air, into thin air:And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.
Thank you, and God bless you, everyone."
A Boy and His Dog.
This is one of my favorite "pet" movies.It's a post-apocalypse black comedy, a cult classic.
Tiger, the dog from TV's "The Brady Bunch," creates the wonderfully complex "Blood" character.
His co-star is the young and unknown Don Johnson, nine years before "Miami Vice."
Tiger's character is much smarter than Don's.
Tiger himself is probably much smarter than Don.
And Tiger does some great over-the-top emoting.
You could say that Tiger really chews up the scenery.
There's even an appearance by Jason Robards Jr.
The film is faithfully adapted from Harlan Ellison's novella.
Harlan is well-known for his savage wit and clever satire.
The twist at the end makes it even more enjoyable.
Amazon: do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
In reference to the burgeoning Amazon monopoly uproar...
...somebody has created an anti-Amazon logo...
...somebody else has started an anti-Amazon petition...
...and my author friend has replied to his communiqué from Amazon with this:
Sathya.V, if you were unable to determine the exact nature of my query from the content of my e-mail message, perhaps you should forward it to your supervisor, or someone who is able to understand English.
20 minutes to go.
Here's my wife's scenario for Earth Hour: the lights go out, then people do what they do best when the lights go out. Nine months later, there's a huge baby boom, and Mother Earth is doubly f*cked. ;-)
Earth Hour, my butt.
We used to celebrate Earth Day. But now we can spare only an hour. Next year, it'll be down to Earth Minute. I got some giggles from their FAQ, though:Aren’t you using a heap of electricity and resources to promote this event?
Earth Hour is operating under our Principles of Operation, which we are happy to share with you. Earth Hour is a carbon neutral event.
What candles should I use for my Earth Hour event?
If you plan on burning candles during Earth Hour, make sure you use 100% beeswax candles ...
How will Earth Hour help?
Earth Hour shows that, together, our small actions can make a difference to global warming.
No. Holding our collective breath for one hour per year will make no statistical difference at all. We human beings have demonstrated, through our bad choices (gas-guzzling cars, smoke-spewing factories, smoke-spewing cigarette addicts, etc.) that we are the next eager candidates for extinction. We should accept our fates gracefully. Between 8 and 9 tonight, I think we should turn on every light in our houses, open our fridge doors and crank up our stereos to party like it's 1999. ;-)
Maybe Amazon's problem is obvious?
One of my author friends sent this eMail to Amazon:
I strongly object to Amazon's monopolistic business practices, as revealed by Angela Hoy:
www.writersweekly.com/the_latest_from_angelahoycom/004597_03272008.html
I intend to switch to BarnesAndNoble.com for my media purchases, and will urge all my friends and business associates to do the same.
His message seemed pretty clear to me. But then he received this reply from Amazon:
Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.com.
I'm very sorry, but I was unable to determine the exact nature of your query from the content of your e-mail message.
Please click the link below to write back to us with little more information regarding your request. [...]
Best regards,
Sathya.V, Amazon.com Customer Service
Could it be that Amazon has outsourced its key business decisions, too?
Is Amazon pulling a fast one? From Angela Hoy at BookLocker:
Amazon.com Telling POD Publishers - Let BookSurge Print Your Books, or Else...
BREAKING DEVELOPMENT: We were notified by a PublishAmerica author that her book was available for purchase through Amazon on Tuesday but today the "buy" button for her book on Amazon is gone. We researched some other PublishAmerica books and it appears the "buy" button on Amazon has indeed been removed from the vast majority of their book pages.
~~~~~
Some Print on Demand (POD) publishers are privately screaming "Monopoly!" while others are seething with rage over startling phone conversations they're having with Amazon/BookSurge representatives. Why isn't anybody talking about it openly? Because they're afraid - very, very afraid.
Amazon.com purchased BookSurge, a small POD publisher/printer back in 2005. Amazon also lists and sells titles for the largest POD printer, Lightning Source, which is owned by Ingram (the large book distributor). According to their website, Lightning Source serves more than 4,300 publisher clients and has more than 400,000 titles in their system.
You'd think Amazon's purchase of BookSurge might have made things a bit uncomfortable between the two companies. However, they continued to work together, getting books on demand to Amazon.com's loyal customers. Things appeared to be cruising along just fine, but perhaps not anymore.
Reports have been trickling in from the POD underground that Amazon/BookSurge representatives have been approaching some Lightning Source customers, first by email introduction and then by phone (nobody at BookSurge seems to want to put anything in writing). When Lightning Source customers speak with the BookSurge representative, the reports say, they are basically told they can either have BookSurge start printing their books or the "buy" button on their Amazon.com book pages will be "turned off." [more]
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