9TimeZones.com
is: Anikó J. Bartos
and: Alan C. Baird
Scripts: Vlad\
BackslasherBlog\
Fall In Budapest\
Merlinsky\Feelix\
Eleven Thousand
Virgins\Azért is..!now \ then:
'13:jfmamjjasond
'12:jfmamjjasond
'11:jfmamjjasond
'10:jfmamjjasond
'09:jfmamjjasond
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'04: fmamjjasond
1996apr 2001sep
»» moblog:
is: Anikó J. Bartos
and: Alan C. Baird
Scripts: Vlad\
BackslasherBlog\
Fall In Budapest\
Merlinsky\Feelix\
Eleven Thousand
Virgins\Azért is..!now \ then:
'13:jfmamjjasond
'12:jfmamjjasond
'11:jfmamjjasond
'10:jfmamjjasond
'09:jfmamjjasond
'08:jfmamjjasond
'07:jfmamjjasond
'06:jfmamjjasond
'05:jfmamjjasond
'04: fmamjjasond
1996apr
»» moblog:
Fireball Report.
(13May2013, 9:34pm Phoenix time): while driving in to work tonight, facing west from Phoenix, I saw a green meteor descending nearly vertically. It was as bright as the crescent moon, and didn't seem to fragment at all. Kewl.
LATER: They're calling it the California Fireball Meteor.
Guns Don't Shoot People, "Dick" Shoots People.
INTERIOR - LIVING ROOM, DAY
A GUY is lying on the floor, playing with the "Skeeter" Obama action figure. The doll is aiming a rifle, and the guy makes SHOOTING noises every now and then.
GUY: Boom! Boom! Boom! This is the new "Skeeter" Obama action figure, made by a Connecticut toy company. It commemorates the skeet shooting that President Obama reportedly enjoys at Camp David.
The guy turns the Obama doll, as if it's aiming at a moving duck.
GUY (continued): Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Boom!
Again, the guy turns the Obama doll, as if it's aiming at another moving duck.
GUY (continued): Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Boom!
One final time, the guy turns the Obama doll, as if it's aiming at a third moving duck.
GUY (continued): Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Boom!
The guy picks up a "Dick" Cheney action figure, which is aiming a shotgun.
GUY (continued): This is the "Dick" Cheney action figure. He's probably known best as the vice president who "accidentally" shot his friend in the face, during a 2006 hunting trip.The guy turns the Cheney doll, as if it's aiming at a moving duck. The shotgun slowly turns, to point at the Obama doll.
GUY (continued): Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Boom!
The Obama doll falls over. The guy jiggles the Cheney doll, as if it's laughing.
GUY (continued): Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
THE END
© Anikó J. Bartos & Alan C. Baird
17YO Sells App To Yahoo For $30M.
He Has Millions and a New Job at Yahoo. Soon, He’ll Be 18. (NY Times)
tl;dr (too long; didn't read)
Ben Bernanke & me.
Have I told you my Ben Bernanke story yet?
(He's the Fed chairman who's currently in the news. Some say he's the most powerful man in the world.)
I already told you? OK, shut up and listen anyway. ;-)
Last spring, I found out from a 2009 Time magazine article that he competed in the National Spelling Bee when he was a kid, and misspelled the word "edelweiss." So, after going through the speller lists from the two years I was in the Bee, I found out that he and I sat next to each other in 1965 (he's wearing #18 and I'm wearing #19). It looks like he's leaning over to give me financial advice.
(I misspelled "gneiss" that year, to finish 14th in the country.)
Fun With QR Codes.
If you have a QR-code scanning app, like this one:
http://www.neoreader.com/get-neoreader/app-stores
on your cell phone, you can scan the code below for a link to several micro stories written by moi. Or, if you're like me and you DON'T have such a phone, you can still view a simulation here:
http://www.testiphone.com/?url=http://9TimeZones.com/if.htm
And here's a direct link: http://9TimeZones.com/if.htm
Thx: http://zxing.appspot.com/generator
Details: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QR_Code
The Old Kidneys Joke.
A guy is in a line of patients trying to get released from a mental institution. He watches as the others go in to meet with the doctor and hears the questions the doctor asks: "point to your right arm," "point to your stomach," "point to your toes," "point to your knee," and so on. He sees which answers are correct, and which answers are wrong.
When it's his turn, the guy sits down with the doctor and answers each question perfectly. The doctor's amazed, and asks: "How were you able to answer all those questions correctly?"
The guy points to his head and replies: "Kidneys, man! Kidneys!"
The Old Foo Joke.
A man travels to a remote South Pacific island to relax and do some sightseeing. Upon arrival, he hires a native guide, and while they're seeing sights, a strange-looking bird flies overhead and drops a load of poop on the guy's shoulder. He reaches up to wipe it off, but the guide grabs his arm and says, "Oh, no! That's a Foo bird, and if you remove its crap, you will die immediately!"
The guy replies, "Ah, that's just a silly superstition," and wipes off the stinky mess. Sure enough, he drops dead on the spot.
MORAL: If the Foo sh*ts, wear it.
The Old Gorilla Joke.
A guy walks into the zoo, and strolls past the gorilla cage. The gorilla strolls along with him, inside the cage.
The guy stops. The gorilla stops. The guy pats his tummy, and the gorilla pats HIS tummy.
But when the guy pulls down his bottom eyelid with his finger, the gorilla reaches through the bars, yanks the guy inside the cage, beats the crap out of him and throws him back outside the cage.
The zookeeper comes to visit the guy in the hospital. He apologizes, and asks what the guy did, to get the gorilla all riled up.
The guy says, "I just pulled down my bottom eyelid with my finger, like this."
"Oh, no wonder," replies the zookeeper. "In gorilla language, pulling down your bottom eyelid means 'F*ck you.'"
So the guy plans his revenge. A few weeks later, he's strolling outside the gorilla cage. The gorilla strolls along with him, inside the cage.
The guy pulls out a huge salami, holds it between his legs and runs back and forth, dragging the salami against the bars: "Brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd."
The gorilla grabs the object between his own legs, and drags *IT* against the bars: "Brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd-brrrrdddd."
The guy then reaches into his pocket, pulls out a razor blade, and starts slicing up the salami.
He offers the razor blade to the gorilla.
The gorilla reaches up to his bottom eyelid, and pulls it down.
The Old St. Patrick's Day Joke.
"Hey," said the new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great jokes for St. Patrick's Day!"
"Before you start," said the big guy in the corner, "I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell the jokes slowly."
March Lion.
80° and sunny today.
March came in like a lion.
A sunbathing, margarita-sipping lion.
Later: National Day Of Unplugging.
Social Networking Equation.
Okay, I think I've put the finishing touches on my long-awaited Social Networking Equation:
L = F-(C+H)²
, where:
L=LinkedIn
F=Facebook
C=Creativity
H=Humor
The Social Network.
Facebook is the neighborhood pub for geeks like me. At its best, it can be an Algonquin Round Table. It's also a way to socialize with friends in faraway places, along with people who live just down the block. We can time-shift our get-togethers, too. No need to consult filofaxes, sync phone schedulers and check previous spousal commitments. No need to dress up for the occasion. We can do meet-ups in stained teeshirts and three-day-old underwear. We can fart, belch, pick our noses, scratch our butts and even drool. I can't tell you how much I love to drool.
We can also avoid: driving all over h*ll's half-acre while trying to find the trendy out-of-the-way restaurant that's been chosen, eating what everyone else is eating, being polite while some unknown d*ckhead monopolizes the conversation, drinking what everyone else is drinking, appearing to be interested and/or conscious, scarfing down gutbuster food while pretending to smile, putting up with screaming rugrats at the next table, sharing a "fried onion blossom" finger-food (whatever the f*ck that is) with sneezing half-familiar strangers, sucking in our guts, waiting for the designated driver to finish hitting on the busboy, sitting with nothing to say except "wow... you've really gained weight since high school," watching the clock to carefully calculate the precise moment when it's no longer impolite to leave, and splitting the check eight ways after ordering/consuming 3% of the total.
No more: pricey restaurant bills, outrageous bar tabs, tips for snotty waiters, bloating, indigestion, acid reflux, projectile vomiting, diarrhea from the bad clams, organizing half-hearted dinners to reciprocate for mind-numbing parties that were better left unmentioned, waiting behind rope-line stanchions to get into ear-splitting clubs, stumbling and falling into gutters, picking dogsh*t out of our pants, sleeping on park benches, fighting DUI arrests, scraping up bail money, and recovering from hangovers.
Best of all, we can simply deposit little radioactive turds on our friends' timelines and scuttle away into the night.
The Meaning Of Like.
When you click Facebook's Like button:1) Like means Like.
2) Like means I Agree.
3) Like means Attaboy/Attagurl.
4) Like means Me Too.
5) Like means Cute Pic.
6) Like means Great News.
7) Like means Right On, Sistah/Brutha.
8) Like on a negative posting can mean: Condolences/Hang In There/Fight The Power/You Stupid Melonhead.
Also: Facebook Like button rubber-stamped into physical meme (Engadget) details + buy
Raunchy: dislike + Facebook needs this
Facebook card + details ("Don't leave cyberspace without it.")
The weather squirrel.
Groundhog Day, by Danny Rubin and Harold Ramis, from a story by Danny Rubin:PHIL CONNORS (Bill Murray): This is one time when television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.
***
PHIL: Come on, all the long distance lines are down? What about satellite? Is it snowing in space? Don't you keep open a line for emergencies or for celebrities? I'm both: I'm a celebrity in an emergency.
***
PHIL: Do you ever have déjà vu, Mrs. Lancaster?
MRS. LANCASTER (Angela Paton): I don't think so, but I could check with the kitchen.
***
PHIL: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?
RALPH (Rick Overton): That about sums it up for me.
***
PHIL: Excuse me, where is everyone going?
FAN ON STREET (Leighanne O'Neil): To Gobbler's Knob. It's Groundhog Day.
PHIL: It's still just once a year, right?
***
PHIL: So, did you sleep OK without me? You tossed and turned, didn't you?
RITA (Andie MacDowell): You're incredible.
PHIL: Who told you?
***
PHIL: This is pitiful. A thousand people freezing their butts off, waiting to worship a rat. What a hype. Well, it used to mean something in this town. They used to pull the hog out, and they used to *eat* it. You're hypocrites, all of you!
***
RITA: What did you do today?
PHIL: Oh, same-old same-old.
***
PHIL: When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.
***
RITA: Have you ever had déjà-vu?
PHIL: Didn't you just ask me that?
Zero Dark Thirty: towering achievement.
Zero Dark Thirty opened wide yesterday, and finally made it to Phoenix. This is the first time in years that I've wanted to see a film in theaters. It didn't disappoint. Kathryn Bigelow got screwed out of an Oscar nomination, ostensibly because three U.S. Senators slammed her for, among other things, the depiction of torture. But Bigelow doesn't endorse or condemn torture, and that ambiguity is one of the many things that makes this film great. Mark Boal certainly deserves his nomination, if only for writing a suspenseful film to which we already know the ending. Jessica Chastain is not really up to the heavy demands the script places on her, and I believe she stole her Oscar nom from the film's Jennifer Ehle (EE-lee). But that's just quibbling. Highly recommended.LATER: Critics of Zero Dark Thirty say the torture scenes suggest America never would have found Osama without torturing detainees. But Bigelow+Boal's towering achievement is forcing us to face the reprehensible moral choices that led the Bush administration to use torture, while clearly showing us that the key to finding Osama's courier (and thus, Osama) had been submitted by another country's intelligence service shortly after 9/11, but had gone overlooked in the CIA's files. If Bigelow+Boal had left out the torture scenes (which imply much suffering, without making the audience suffer equally), the film would have been dismissed as grossly inaccurate.
The most memorable line in the movie is Dan's warning to Maya: "You gotta be real careful with the detainees now. Politics are changing and you don't want to be the last one holding the dog collar when the oversight committee comes."
***
YouTube trailers: #1, #2, #3 ~ box office ~ 4 satirical posters
I am here.
Let the trumpets sound
Let the people cheer
Let the banners unfurl
For I am here, I am here.
A Festivus for the rest of us.
Seinfeld - The Strike, written by Alec Burg, Jeff Schaffer, and Dan O'Keefe:GEORGE (lets out a depressed sigh while reading a card)
ELAINE: What?
GEORGE: Nothing. It's a card from my dad.
ELAINE: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, who tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus?
GEORGE: It's nothing, stop it.
JERRY: When George was growing up...
GEORGE (interrupting): Jerry, no!
JERRY: ...his father...
GEORGE: NO!
JERRY: ...hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday.
ELAINE: Ohhhh... and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
GEORGE (pleading): Alright...
JERRY: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? (Elaine starts laughing uncontrollably, and continues to do so)
GEORGE: Jerry! Stop it!
JERRY: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? (Jerry joins in with Elaine's laughter)
GEORGE: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?!
***
More ~ Wikipedia
Open season?
Did I miss something? Is it open season on humans?
Police kill man accused of shooting officer, 2 employees at Alabama hospital
Police: 20 children among 26 victims of Connecticut school shooting
3 dead in Oregon mall shooting
All I want for Christmas is for the shootings to stop.
Christmas tree angel.
Once upon a time, Santa was getting ready for his annual Christmas trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves weren't producing toys as fast, so Santa began to feel the pressure of getting behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and ran off to heaven knows where. More stress. Then he loaded the sleigh and one of the boards cracked, scattering toys everywhere. Santa was frustrated, so he went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. That's when he discovered the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. Then the cider pot slipped out of his hand, and broke into hundreds of pieces. When he tried to sweep up the shards, he found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. The doorbell rang, and Santa irritably trudged to the door. A little angel was standing outside with a huge Christmas tree. The cheerful angel said, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
***
See also: White Christmas: Berlin/McPhatter/Held and Rudolph's Revenge and Inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids and Holiday Rum Cake and Alice's Restaurant.
Holiday Rum Cake.
OK, it's time to haul out the Holiday Rum Cake recipe again...
You'll need the following:
1 or 2 qts rum
1 cup butter
1 tsp sugar
4 large brown eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. Isn't it good? To be sure the rum is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat butter in large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, it’s important to make sure the rum is of the finest quality, so cry another tup. Open the second quart of rum if necessary. Add 1 arge legg and chuck in 2 cups of fried druits. Beat till high. If the druits get stuck in the beaterers, just pry 'em loose with a drewscriver. Sample the rum again for tonsticity. Next, sift 3 cups of salt, or something. Who cares? Check the rum. Sift 1 pint of lemon goose and strain your nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven, turn cake pan to 350 greedees. Now, pour the whole mess into the boven and ake. Check the rum again and go to bed.
Alice's Restaurant.
This song is called Alice's Restaurant, and it's about Alice, and the restaurant, but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, that's just the name of the song, and that's why I called the song Alice's Restaurant.You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in, it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago, was on - two years ago on Thanksgiving - when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant, but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower like that, they got a lot of room downstairs where the pews used to bein'. Havin' all that room, seein' as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a long time.
We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, and we decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump. So we took the half-a-ton of garbage, put it in the back of a red VW microbus, took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the city dump.
Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across the dump saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving." And we had never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes, we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage.
We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road was another fifteen-foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down.
That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone call from Officer Obie. He said, "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half-a-ton of garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And I said, "Yes, sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope under that garbage."
After speaking to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the police officers' station. So we got in the red VW microbus with the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the police officers' station.
Now friends, there was only one or two things that Obie coulda done at the police station, and the first was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out and told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again, which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officers' station, there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we was both immediately arrested. Handcuffed. And I said "Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut up, kid. Get in the back of the patrol car."
And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the quote "Scene Of The Crime" unquote. I want to tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, where this happened here, they got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the Scene Of The Crime, there was five police officers and three police cars, being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hanging around the police officers' station. They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog-smelling prints, and they took twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography.
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Obie said he was going to put us in the cell. Said, "Kid, I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wanting my wallet, so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my belt for?" And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings." I said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?" Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll out the - roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice (remember Alice? It's a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back to the church, had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court.
We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down. Man came in said, "All rise." We all stood up, and Obie stood up with the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures, and the judge walked in, sat down with a seeing-eye dog, and he sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing-eye dog, and then at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing-eye dog. And then at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and began to cry, 'cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice, and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the judge wasn't going to look at the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. And we was fined fifty dollars and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not what I came to tell you about.
Came to talk about the draft.
They got a building down New York City, it's called Whitehall Street, where you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected. I went down to get my physical examination one day, and I walked in, I sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. 'Cause I wanted to look like the all-American kid from New York City, man I wanted, I wanted to feel like the all-, I wanted to be the all-American kid from New York, and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and all kinds o' mean, nasty, ugly things. And I walked in and sat down and they gave me a piece of paper and said, "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604."
And I went up there, I said, "Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead, burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and he started jumpin' up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."
Didn't feel too good about it.
Proceeded on down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing there, and I was there for two hours, three hours, four hours, I was there for a long time going through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things and I was just having a tough time there, and they was inspecting, injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no part untouched. Proceeded through, and when I finally came to the see the very last man, I walked in, walked in, sat down after the whole big thing there, and I walked up and said, "What do you want?" He said, "Kid, we only got one question. Have you ever been arrested?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the Alice's Restaurant Massacree, with full orchestration and five-part harmony and stuff like that and all the phenome... and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, did you ever go to court?"
And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and he stopped me right there and said, "Kid, I want you to go and sit down on that bench that says Group W... NOW kid!"
And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there, and there is, Group W's where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the Army after committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly-looking people on the bench there. Mother rapers. Father stabbers. Father rapers! Father rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting on the bench next to me. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said, "Kid, whad'ya get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay fifty dollars and pick up the garbage." He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?" And I said, "Littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench there, and the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean, nasty things, 'til I said, "And creating a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin' about crime, mother stabbing, father raping, all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things, until the sergeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it up and said:
"Kids, this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-words-we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime-I-want-to-know-arresting-officer's-name-and-any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say," and talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had fun filling out the forms and playing with the pencils on the bench there, and I filled out the massacree with the four-part harmony, and wrote it down there, just like it was, and everything was fine and I put down the pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the other side, in the middle of the other side, away from everything else on the other side, in parentheses, capital letters, quotated, read the following words:
("KID, HAVE YOU REHABILITATED YOURSELF?")
I went over to the sergeant, said, "Sergeant, you got a lot a damn gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself. I mean, I mean, I mean that just, I'm sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench 'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough to join the Army, burn women, kids, houses and villages after bein' a litterbug." He looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send your fingerprints off to Washington."
And friends, somewhere in Washington, enshrined in some little folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in and say "Shrink, you can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant." And walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it, they may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them. And if three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in, singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out? They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day walking in, singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out? And friends, they may thinks it's a movement.
And that's what it is, the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement, and all you got to do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.
With feeling. So we'll wait 'til it comes around on the guitar, here and sing it when it does. Here it comes:
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in, it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant.
That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud. I've been singing this song now for twenty-five minutes. I could sing it for another twenty-five minutes. I'm not proud... or tired.
So we'll wait 'til it comes around again, and this time with four-part harmony and feeling.
We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing.
All right now:
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in, it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant
Da da da da da da da dum, at Alice's Restaurant.
***1967 version (YouTube)
1969 DVD (Amazon) (Netflix)
1995 version (YouTube)
Obama calls Boehner & McConnell.
"After his [election-night victory] speech, Mr. Obama tried to call both [House Speaker John] Boehner and the Senate Republican leader, Mitch McConnell, but was told they were asleep."
--The New York Times, November 7, 2012
WTF? I thought this was just a nasty left-wing rumor. Even if you are sound asleep, when the President calls, you get your lazy a** out of bed. I don't care if it's Obama or Dubya or even Tricky Dick. It's the PRESIDENT, d*mmit. You respect the office, even if you don't respect the man.
Azért is..! (Despite everything..!)
Animation: Even though this European nation has existed for more than a thousand years, over 70% of the country "vanished" after World War I.
Today, the exiles' great-great-great-grandkids still think in Magyar.
http://www.facebook.com/azertisd
